This time I accept that I won’t get what I want. I won’t fight against it like I often have, plunging into suffering. Yes I’m emotional enough that you’ll be my muse for a while. But I don’t think I’ll scream as much in them. You’re no beautiful prisoner. You make a beautiful choice.
I’m not sure I could see your face, though. Your skin, showing evidence from shaving the hour before. I’d watch the smooth get rough over the hours and then you leave. I’ll be choked. That is another level of acceptance. A complete ignorance of my desires. Can I sing whilst fighting a lump in my throat? I don’t really sound like I accept this do I… If I see the potential of something I want it to be fulfilled. Selfishly. For the pursuit of possibly incredible emotions. Thrill chaser. I’d like to feel enough. I’d like to be enough.
If I crave something I’ll go and get it for myself, like a servant to a master. In fact I whisper to myself a creepy ‘yes master, at once’ and walk off with a funny limp and a creepy grin. It’s a Kinder Buneo from the SPAR round the corner. A mocha from Nero. Cream with that? Yes please why not! I can be very impulsive and get this rush of euphoric emotion that just yells DO IT YESSSSS YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THISSSSS. The F it mentality prevails and I have to wait to come back down to earth. I must take back control and overthrow myself.
Anyway, I mean what’s the point of seeing you in the flesh. Shall we see how far we can carefully go on the right side of morals before we decide the pain is too much? Sounds like a laugh…You plunge me deep into the marine and swim with me amongst the rainbow coral. What is the point of these conversations. X will never equal Y. Times X by 10 and it still won’t equal 10 times Y. However, if we are bothering to be an X and Y, then why not both be 10 times? If you are going to live, then why not live it 10 times what you can. Or not at all.